Strengthening a Girl’s Voice Through Choice
Mina in Turkey
Once upon a time, in the not so distant past, I read a book and it changed how I viewed the parent/child relationship. That book was Parenting with Love and Logic. It just made so much sense and it has been the way I have consciously raised Mina. By giving kids choice with consequences, children are empowered through decision making and gain confidence as they own the outcomes of those decisions.
When Mina was young, maybe 3 years old and was able to comprehend decision making, I used to catch a lot of negative comments from other mothers in the playground most days. I was not the mother who just put a coat on Mina “Because I said so…” According to other mothers, my child was going to catch cold and get sick. If Mina was cold, she would come up and ask for her jacket. She became strong in speaking her mind if someone told her to do something that went against what she knew was right for her and her body. She felt the power with her words. Adults don’t really know what to do when a 4 year old tells them “You may be cold and that is your body. But, my body runs hot and I am not cold, thank you very much!”
Choice is a confidence builder. When a child is allowed to choose and is aware of consequences, they learn valuable life lessons through experience. The more choice and the more failure give them tools when they are out in the world. Confidence is built on the knowledge that they can deal with any result. By knowing this earlier in life, they will be able to push themselves beyond their comfort zones as they get older.
This summer, Mina had a very hard decision to make. Many told me that she was too young to make such a decision, but I gave it to her anyway. In our divorce decree, I held my ground on one thing: Mina has a choice every third year to go or not to go visit family in Turkey. I remember as a child not having a choice to go to Turkey. I saw friends going to Disney, Italy, or just staying home playing while I had to go spend 8 weeks in Turkey. I wanted her to have a different experience.
This summer she had a big choice to make and she was very proud of it. She told everyone that SHE got to choose this year! She asked questions, she thought, and she decided to go. Not only did she decide to go, but she asked to go for 3 weeks instead of just 2. In my heart, I knew it would be a long time for her. I didn’t say anything to influence her and it was hard.
Her choice did not work out as well as she had hoped. During one Skype call, she was kind of a mess: It’s too long away from Mama, No one listens when I say I need to go to bed, everyone tries to make me eat too much red meat and it hurts my tummy, no one is playing with me like I thought they would, etc….WHY, mama did you make me come for 3 weeks?!
At this point, I ask her whose decision was it to go and stay for 3 weeks and she answers, quietly, “Mine, but if you knew it would be like this, how come you let me do it?”
If she never was allowed to follow through on her well reasoned decision, she would not have learned the lessons. Now, she has the experience with which to base her choice 3 years from now.
In my opinion, we don’t give our kids enough power over their own lives (within reason). Parents try to make things too easy for kids because they shouldn’t have to deal with consequences on top of school and activities. It paralyzes children to take away choice or tell them what to think. Life is a balance of positive and negatives. If we do everything for our kids, how will they know what to do when negative situations arise? Empower your kids by giving them the ability to choose and own the outcome. Decision making, accountability, and follow through are such valuable lessons…don’t over love your kids to the point they have more fear than confidence. It’s hard, believe me, but whoever said parenting was easy?
Category: Parenting
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