Parenting – “Sort of” Sisters
When Mina was born, I developed a hip condition and knew I wouldn’t be having more kids. So much for siblings … or so I thought. A divorce and new relationship later and suddenly there are three little girls running around the house. The “sister” subject comes up a lot within our own family dynamic as well as when we are out and about. I am asked if I have twins all the time because the two older girls are so close in age. “Sort of,” is usually my answer. The big girls go to gymnastics camp and when they get asked if they are sisters, “Sort of” is their reply.
This concept of sisterhood is complicated and multifaceted. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes feelings get hurt. Siblings getting along in a “normal” family setting is one thing. Creating a blended sibling relationship is another rollercoaster. The three girls are like three little peas in a pod. The big girls team up to play while the littlest runs behind wanting so badly to be included. Each kid is treated the same with no favoritism. Rules have been established in all four parents’ houses, and the girls know they are loved by all of us parents. These girls are “sisters” within our own family tribe of ex’s, ex-in-laws, and new in-laws. Our concept of family is very avant garde and tricky to explain at times.
Because we have made the decision not to marry, there are no “official” titles such as stepmom or stepsister. We are confident about who we are, but there is always this feeling of discomfort when an outsider says, “If you are not the mother, who are you exactly?” Then, there are times when the sisters tell Mina that she is not their sister, and Mina gets hurt. Or, when Zola calls me Mama, and Mina corrects her: “She is NOT your biological mother, she is MINE!” There are days when I feel we are walking through an emotional mine field as we navigate each girl’s feelings about the “sister” conversation.
What I have learned as a mom and a “sort of ” stepmom is that the girls get along better if I can give them enough one-on-one time, on their own, no one else. They need that quality time with me to feel loved and special in their own way. I try and check in with each of them at the beginning of the week to see where they are and what they need. Then we plan out when and how we will spend our time together. Having this time just with me or just with Alex has reduced the amount of jealousy and possessiveness over who gets which of my knees to sit on, and rivalry for attention.
I am an only child and my mom was an only child, so all this stuff is new to me. As I look from the outside in, it seems to me that siblings get along better when they know that they are each important in their parents’ lives. They rival for love and attention when they feel there may not be enough to go around. They compete for time with parents when they do not get enough one-on-one time.
Each child should feel that there is always enough love and time to go around, that they are important and special. I have made a conscious effort to give each girl time. Sometimes it is just about sitting quietly on the couch after a nap for 40 minutes. Sometimes it’s a solo trip to the bookstore. I truly believe if we, as parents, put our phones down, log out of the computer, and spend quality time with each sibling, the need to fight for attention will dissipate.
I am grateful that Mina has this opportunity to have sisters … sort of. There are so many life skills that come with having a sibling. Life seems to have provided her with an opportunity that I physically couldn’t have. I am grateful to have had another little baby to care for, watch grow, and not have had to go through labor again!
It has been interesting to see how these girls have grown up together over the past three and a half years beginning as friends then turning into sisters … sort of.
Category: Parenting
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