Learning to Love Myself Again
How do you learn to love yourself after feeling lost for so long? How is it that we are first to sacrifice ourselves and our happiness for others, knowing full well that it isn’t healthy? How come we feel squidgy putting our needs first because it may make others feel uncomfortable?
I was married for 10 years and during that time, I was the Ringmaster for our family’s emotional circus. Up on the high wire, I maintained other people’s happiness and forgot my own. There were times that I would have liked to have had a rest, taken flight on the trapeze, and taking time for myself. I never felt comfortable asking for what I needed to be happy. I thought it was my job to give as much as I could to make others feel loved and appreciated, that I never took the time to think about loving and appreciating myself. By the end of the marriage, I didn’t even know what that looked like. It had been so long that I had thought about what would make me happy. If someone would ask, I would just blink at them, no idea how to answer. I had lost myself in loving others and I didn’t know how to find my back to myself.
After the divorce I had time to think about it. I had to ask myself the question: What did I like to do when I was just a One and not part of a Two? My mind stretched back over a decade. AHA! I liked music! Now, where did we put my old cd’s….All of a sudden a little spark of recognition began to come back as I ran down to the basement to retrieve the dusty box of old cd’s. Soon, Music filled the house, every corner! Mina and I danced and let the music twirl around us, filling up that bottom corner of our hearts.
Thirsty for more me, the old me, what else could I bring back? Back to the basement I went, straight to the dusty old boxes. This was where I had found myself. I had realized that I had packed away my soul in these boxes and forgotten it there. No wonder I didn’t know how to love myself-my reminders were deemed “unimportant” and sent away.
Peeling back the layers of dust, I slowly began to find myself again and learn what made me happy. I now understand the difference in doing or overdoing for others at the expense of myself. I pull back when I feel myself feeling hollow. It is important when I take time to love myself again, to maintain my internal emotional meter. There is a palpable shifting that happens when I move off my path.
Over the last year, with my new partner, my challenge was to be open and honest when my needs are not being met or if something is making me unhappy. It is extremely, extremely hard for me, even now. If I try to ignore my inner voice that tap-taps inside my brain that something is bothering me, that voice just keeps getting louder until I finally have to talk it out with him. My spirit can’t keep quiet anymore and sit in the basement. There is only one dominant conversation that keeps coming up. It is validating to feel that I am heard and listened to. On the flip side, if the conversation keeps coming up over and over, how much are my words valued? The old me would have given up and become silent, accepting that her needs are not as important as others. Now, now that I have relearned my value and importance, the new me can’t give up. Giving up is not an option.
How did I learn to love myself again?
- I found a time when I was happy and felt most like me. Revisiting that time brought back all sorts of memories of what I did to feel happy and strong. For me, it was music, reading, and being quiet.
- I began to do things that I used to do and made them important. I began to dress up, go out to fancy restaurants with Mina, and have friends over for wine.
- I learned that I have a hard time speaking my feelings out loud, but felt the benefit from writing them out on paper. Writing my feelings, in letter form, out on paper gave me an outlet for reflection. I could read, revise, and rip it up if I wanted to. Sometimes, I gave the letters. Sometimes, I just needed to just get clarity. Writing helped me process the feelings and release them.
- I listened to my heart again. If it felt hurt, I listened to what it needed to say. Pulling back from a situation is never a bad thing when you need distance to look objectively.
You can learn to love who you are too! Make a list to fill up your love bucket. I have found that I can love others so much more fully when I take time to love myself first. By loving myself first, my giving and loving becomes more authentic. The intention shifts: I am not giving in order to be loved; I am giving because I have so much more love to give.
Category: Parenting
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