It’s a quiet Sunday. It’s been quiet in my house for about 3 days now: no girls, no guy. . .Just me, the sleeping cats, and a box of tissues. I didn’t listen to what I needed, pushed too hard, and have a yucky cold.
Of course being quiet and alone gives the mind free reign to wonder and ponder all sorts of existential questions: Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I truly need to be myself? When I begin to feel this disconnected, I know it is time to sit down and write; time to purge, release, and reconnect to self in a tangible way.
Since my divorce, I feel like a snake: growing, molting, shedding multiple times and in multiple ways. Each time I learn something new and get stronger in recognizing when I move off center. I have also learned to recognize when another “growth spurt” is about to happen. It never gets easier and I still say “Oh Sh*t, here we go again! Brace yourself for impact!”… Kind of like in Star Trek when the Captain yells out “Shields up! Everyone at their stations!”
Then I get quiet, real quiet, so quiet and still. Where does my mind wander to? After sitting for awhile watching my mind race from one corner to the next, trying to escape change, I settle in to write.
Free Flowing..words..phrases..feelings..anything that needs to come out. I don’t even try to make sense of it until I am done. I release into fluidity and embrace the flux. Looking down, I smile. Support, trust, and love emanate up from the paper and I know I am on the right path. The heart knows where you need to go and what you need to do-it’s the head that gets scared and sabotages the process.
It may seem funny, but when I really need a reminder to trust myself, I watch a clip from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Indiana Jones, in order to save his father, has to truly believe and have complete trust.
Life is a series of precipices, pushing us harder and harder to take time to listen to what our heart is telling us. Each time, jumping into the unknown is an act of faith and discovery. It never gets easier to jump, but you get stronger each time you push off. For me, writing is a way for me to have an internal conversation. Seeing your words reflected back to you on paper give a different perspective. It is a separate entity now that can be looked at more objectively outside of yourself. It is confirmation in black and white what your subconscious has been whispering to you. Take a look and take that leap!
“Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth.”
Your heart knows your worthy or you wouldn’t be standing there, looking down. Stop looking down at what could happen; look ahead at what is happening.
Now jump into your heart, feel your wings burst open as you fly down into your soul, and trust that you discover your spirit’s calling.